Notes from Marshall Rosenberg’s book
Communication becomes harder when we accuse, criticize, and judge
Judgement is an opinion: not right or wrong
Facts, feelings, needs, and requests
Leave evaluations, judgements, criticism, analysis, advice, accusations, and opinions behind
Can you please stop tapping your foot? It’s really annoying (bad)
You’re tapping your foot and I’m feeling annoyed because I would like silence to focus right now. Would you be willing to stop or go in the other room? (good)
Fact, Feeling, Why, Request
recipe for better communication
Your room is a mess (evaluation)
Your bed is unmade, there are dirty clothes on the floor and you have a pile of trash in the corner (observable facts)
Your driving recklessly (evaluation)
You’re driving 20 miles over the speed limit and you just ran a red light (facts)
No matter what happens, you are responsible for how you feel 100% of the time
I feel annoyed (accountable) vs you’re annoying me (blaming)
Using “I feel . . .” is usually an evaluation disguised as a feeling
Stay away from verbs that imply blame: tricked, ambushed, bullied, provoked, insulted, criticized, ignored
Easy step to leave out, but important to include the need
Usually starts with because
When you showed up late to our meeting, I felt angry because I don’t like people to waste my time (guilt trip)
When you showed up late to our meting, I felt angry because my time is very important to me (good)
A request is something that can be refused without punishment
It is also measurable and doable
Avoid vague, unmeasureable requests
Would you be willing to be careful with your spending? (vague)
Would you be willing to write down everything you spend money on for the next two weeks? (specific)
It’s about needs being met, not the specific request
The requests are possible strategies to getting our needs met
The goal is to get both parties needs met completely
Keep communicating until you find a win win
Use this in the moment when things get out of hand
Guess how someone feels and why they feel as they do
Are you feeling angry because they’re leaving out important details?
People love being asked about themsevles and feeling like someone is try to understand where they are coming from
We are all responsible for how we feel
Feelings are generally one word
Mistakes lead to wisdom